24 Comments
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Elizabeth Fama's avatar

Now I have to verify this screen-door correlation (causation?) for myself! Mind blown.

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Ernest N. Curtis's avatar

Simply brilliant! I still have a landline. After many years of wearing a beeper and, more recently a flip phone, I revel in being unreachable (and undisturbable if there is such a word).

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Jim Ryser's avatar

Dang it I was gonna do a polished video for you for only 130 barrels of CEL. But since you are such a genius, it’s worth a restack! Eureka!

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Benjamin Hourani's avatar

Satire is the best way to reveal the TRUTH! IMHO

Ben Hourani MD, MBA

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Benjamin Hourani's avatar

Dr. Cifu,

Satire is clearly the best way to reveal the TRUTH! IMHO

Ben Hourani MD, MBA

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Olaf S Andersen's avatar

Very much like “Eat a little bit of everything and a lot of nothing”, but I think Mark Twain’s formulation “Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough” is better.

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The Skeptical Cardiologist's avatar

Hilariously scathing satire!

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Larry Hubbard's avatar

This reminds of a southern comedian's line about a father seeing his kids off to school...his kids would say "bye papa" and he would respond "SELL"..seriously selling spiked water is a good idea. Looking forward to your commercials. Cell...Sell..Sail..

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Bhavin Jankharia's avatar

2nd stage would be to then move to CEL-V (fortified with vitamins), CEL-M (fortified with minerals), CEL-MV (fortified with both), CEL-Y (bottled by a yoga practitioner who infused the water with chakra energy)...so every 2 years, you can reinvent and charge a bigger premium.

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Adam Cifu, MD's avatar

Do you want a cut of the profits for these amazing suggestions?

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Bhavin Jankharia's avatar

Absolutely. I am in the same boat as you. I can take Indian rights from you and label it as PANI (Hindi for water) with celebrity endorsements and the works. And then bottle the water cheaper and sell it back to the US - so we can have two competing brands, both the same, but no one will know...

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Ernest N. Curtis's avatar

Reminds me of a summer job I had in high school---selling cutlery door-to-door. The manufacturer was a division of Alcoa Aluminum co. The local sales manager took a group of us newbies to a grocery store and showed us the multiple brands of aluminum foil on the shelf, chuckled, and said "they are all Alcoa".

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Anoop B's avatar

Amazing! You forgot to add the link to buy CEL! :)

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Margaret Rena bernstein's avatar

I am so tired of seeing snake oil commercials every 5 minutes and distressed that professionals like doctors, dentists, veterinarians, public figures etc are capitalizing on the trust that the public has in them to hawk these worthless products. As if we weren't cynical enough! The saddest thing is that people are so gullible and eagerly shell out money for miracles whenever anyone tells them what they want to hear, especially when it has to do with gluttony, sexual function, beauty or eternal youth. Sad, just sad.

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Adam Cifu, MD's avatar

I apologize for joining the chorus. 😉

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Linda Starosta's avatar

Dr. Cifu - did your tongue poke all the way through your cheek? Well said!

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Bobby Scott, MD's avatar

But what supplements do you take???

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Adam Cifu, MD's avatar

Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac AND Abilify.

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Jim Ryser's avatar

Dammit I sharted when I laughed. 🤨

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Carlos Valladares's avatar

People that don't want to die have to blame themselves! You don't want to die? You should not been born then! And regarding the video, the guy falsely claims that Steve Jobs would be alive today if he had done a scan. According to his biography (by Walter Isacsson), the tumor in Steve's pancreas was discovered by accident when he did a scan for kidney problems. He treated it initially with herbs, and other things, that's why the cancer progressed. When he chose medical treatment it was too late. He did not try Cel! though...

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Dave Slate's avatar

Although not a healthcare provider, I firmly believe that cultivating a good sense of humor can help people reduce stress and lead healthier, happier lives. And sometimes one should go all out and get really really silly, like you did in this column.

BTW, I'm an elderly person, due to turn 81 next month. I don't have screen doors, but I still have a landline as my primary phone, and I don't even know what MyChart is. So I'm hoping my copious sense of humor will make up for these "anti-longevity" traits.

Cheers!

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