Drink CEL! and Live Longer and Better

Dear Sensible Medicine subscriber, please share Part II of this post widely. I’d like to keep Part I between you and me. The reasons will be obvious.

Part I

Although I’ve been a doctor for over 30 years, I have not been able to accumulate generational wealth. This is despite my previous attempt at becoming a health influencer. Thus, I feel it is necessary to hop on the longevity medicine bandwagon.

There will be some difficulties here. In retrospect, it was unwise for me to go on record as a cancer screening skeptic. Liquid biopsies and full-body MRIs appear to be lucrative sources of wealth. Although I’m willing to go pretty far in the name of income generation, the hypocrisy of pushing unproven screening overwhelms even my greed. Also, I don’t think I'm willing to pay for someone to produce a video this polished.

This means I’ll need to market some kind of actual product. Most longevity gurus seem to start with common-sense recommendations and then develop a product based on theory and extrapolation. Providing common-sense advice will be straightforward; I do it every day for actual patients.

• Exercise for at least 30 minutes a day. Your workout should be strenuous enough that you get a little out of breath. It should be hard to carry on a regular conversation.

• Eat a little bit of everything and a lot of nothing. (I thought Michael Pollan had written this, but when I googled it, it seems he did not. I might trademark it.)

• Sleep well, be happy, have friends, be rich. (I might trademark this, too. Maybe I’ll put it on a t-shirt or licence it as a tattoo.)

• Don’t drink alcohol, don’t smoke, don’t become addicted to anything.

I could sleep at night, offering up these keys to longevity. Actually, I have been sleeping well for the last 30 years, offering up these keys. However, they simply will not generate real dollars. The longevity experts seem to recommend things to avoid and things to consume. It is challenging to identify novel things to avoid. My soon-to-be colleagues have already recommended that people give up fats, carbohydrates, seed oils, nightshades, gluten, and dairy products. What’s left?

Anyway, it is hard to make money telling people to avoid things. (Though I guess selling protein powder to people you told to avoid fats and carbohydrates has worked.)

I need to come up with something to recommend. I’m hard pressed here, as many things are off the table, having already been hawked. During my career, the list of things that I’ve seen recommended seems endless.

So what I’m left with is water. But not just water – people already recommend that you drink 13 gallons of water a day – carbonated water! I am going to rebrand carbonated water (seltzer, club soda, mineral water, what have you) as Cifu’s elixir of life, CEL! That is pronounced SELL!, if you had any doubt.

Part II

After my 30-plus years in medicine, having cared for thousands of patients and possessing a super frou-frou academic pedigree, I have now decided to share my discoveries with you, my public. Some people think that medicine withholds truths. That is not the case. It is just that, until now, nobody has put the evidence together. Well, I have, and I am now willing to share my discovery.

Today, I will begin selling CEL!, a patented carbonated water beverage developed using a proprietary formula that is all but guaranteed to yield a longer and healthier life. The science behind CEL! is air-tight.

CEL! has anti-inflammatory properties

Water is an anti-inflammatory; it dilutes the inflammation in your body.

CEL! is an antioxidant

Carbonated water is, in fact, the ultimate antioxidant. How do we know this? Oxidation is burning. What puts out fires? Water and carbon dioxide. (Mind blown, right?)

CEL! removes toxins from your body.

The bubbles in CEL! remove toxins from your GI tract. How, you might ask? When you belch, the bubbles from CEL! carry out toxins. Also, drinking excessive amounts of CEL!, which we recommend, will make you urinate and defecate more frequently, ridding you of even more toxins.

CEL! is a probiotic

Because most bacteria grow better in moist environments, CEL! supports your microbiome

CEL! is an adaptogen

My team of scientists is uncertain what this means. Despite this, our clinical data suggest that CEL! is an adaptogen. If you drink TEL before going out on a hot day, you adapt better to the heat; you do not get thirsty as fast.

CEL! is environmentally friendly.

CEL! might not be as good as having a TAVR, but it is beneficial for the environment. To create CEL!, we actually remove CO2 from the air and put it in our cans. When you use the product, you are engaging in carbon capture, actually taking environmental CO2 and putting it in your body. Additionally, because SEL!, like all carbonated water, is slightly acidic, and the ocean is getting more acidic with climate change, and there is a constant balance of acids and bases in the universe, you will help battle oceanic acidification and coral bleaching by drinking CEL!

(We also use cans, so no microplastics here.)

Because I am not only brilliant, but generous, I will not only sell you CEL!, but I will share, free of charge, other things that I learned that are undoubtedly associated with greater longevity. These are things you can do, without spending a dime, that will help you live longer and better. Here are three:

1. When I call my patients, those whom I reach on their landline are older. Get rid of your landline!

2. When I walk down my street, it seems like the older people still have screen doors. I’d suggest removing your screen doors.

3. When I go to release labs on MyChart, only elderly people have not set up MyChart. Set yours up today. It’s free and will help you stay young.

Follow this space for CEL! coupons and other free, but valuable, advice.